Sorry, Geez.

Posted: July 24, 2010 in Cold Outside, Flying With Training Wheels

So, SO much has gone on in the past month a few days since my last post. I told y’all I’d PROMISE to update everyday from Myrtle Beach and even that was a long shot with all the things that happened. Great family, good drinks…perfect weather, waking up on the beach…I didn’t mean for that to rhyme, but here are just a few pictures from my time there, if you haven’t seen them already.

…and then some. Then, there’s the case of going to Miami, MEETING a potential roommate, getting told her mind changed at the last minute when you found a place, waiting on the lease to be faxed…trying to find an affordable place and a car in such a short period of time…just, this is life. I should know what to expect…but that is such a loaded statement.

I’ve been trying to do some soul searching and ended up 2 steps away from the same spot I’m in now. So, crack your knuckles and get some popcorn…it’s been a minute.

To be honest, when do a mother and her daughter honestly and truly get along? …we’re working on that. Don’t get us wrong — we love one another unconditionally, but we’re on two separate pages and I’m trying to focus on one thing, appease her to do everything else but I really keep saying I have no “me time”, and I use that “to get focused and down to business.” I update NQM almost everyday and run errands for everyone else, but it only takes a few hours for me to do what I need to out the day, but I feel it’s more…I want to work as soon as I get down there, but I need an ADDRESS for them to send the checks. AND a car.

Why can’t shit happen the way it’s supposed to?

Thats the age old question because if it would’ve, I would’ve been straight a long ass time ago. I mean, like JUNE — roommate, car…*sighs*…but then again, it’s life. Shit is only easy in movies and TV…which, I write so…but don’t get me wrong — there’s no mixing up reality with fantasy here. I think my issue is I see the finish line in sight – interviews, fly free shit, and just being in my own lane, on nobody’s time. Yeah…I see that as attainable. I want that. I think I need it. But I see the hurtles in my way as well. They get bigger by the hour.

I’ve been talking to one of my new professors and it’ll be good to get to some work, the same that I was craving in undergrad, done here. he’s a funny guy, actually. But that’s one of the things I know I’m ready for. Let’s hope…

Looking for a place to live in S. Florida is harder than it used to be. Thanks, Lebron…

Yo! It’s August in one full week. Within that week, I turn 22 and looking back when I was in high school, this is far from what I thought I’d be at 22. Thought I’d be in a somewhat meaningful relationship (I got told last night ‘damn you act like a nigga in relationships’), working steadily, and happy. I’m…somewhat one for 3. Like .5/3. Very, VERY low number but those are subject to change. If you knew me last year…then you knew my last birthday sucked gigantic donkey balls because of circumstances dealing with folks out of my hands. Never effin’ again. Still mad about that shit. But it’s back then and I’ve made plans for next week… hopefully they go through. I got early gifts and a great dinner with my mom this past Tuesday since I won’t see her on my birthday.

I think I’ve hit a slump in my short life. A short one, but a slump. I plan on working two jobs, haven’t been out all summer but I’ve been broke so…and you don’t wanna know how much. So much, I thought I’d take off a semester, working and saving I’d be fine. It’s just an option. The LAST option but still an option. Ma says NO! I say…eh, it’s possible. She said if anything it happens, it should happen down there. I don’t know. That’s still a loaded situation but it’s a situation, MINE, nonetheless.

But…this time last year, I had someone I could call in a “friend” capacity. He’s no longer here. I think about him more than I allow myself to. 1, to wherever he is. The way he and I were, that…crazy roller-coaster, I want that again. I have to pick up. But it’s crazy cause…I don’t want to share men. Yeah…what’s the deal with that? Every guy I have a genuine attraction and interest in either has other female’s on the side or one he’s reluctant to tell me about. But see, that’s why I operate the way I do — I talk to two people at time, but nothing too serious or intimate. Nobody sticks around that long. I usually do, but…then I don’t. I can spot a collapse from a mile away. But not a stalker…hmmm…gotta sharpen that radar. I try, though. The last time I was honest with a guy…his girl was in the car (found out afterwards) and it’s been embarrassing to try ever since.

But yet, humility comes with honesty. Isn’t that how it goes? ‘Upper Hand Junie’…I try. But I don’t socialize like I used to cause some shit my brother says sticks with me. Told me once I was too sociable. But now I’m broke…I know normally those two things can be avoided in the same area but I’ve adopted a sedentary lifestyle of just buying alcohol, staying in the house and watching TV on the weekends. Yes…this summer that was supposed to be the best, SUCKS. It seems like everybody else’s stress in situations come across me and I have no life anymore. What in the fucking fuck…it was NEVER like this. I think I’m clinging to whats convenient. Right now, being bored with excuses for being broke are what’s convenient and it’s never been this way.

Everyday I wake up, I’m a Youtube addict, calling people and emailing them about their housing listings and updating. I say NQM and stuff is my life and a big part of it is, but I haven’t written in months (rhymes or scripts) and old TV relationships have more spark than mine. Am I scared? Of…? I’m the first one to call myself a “Quiet G”, immersed in graffiti, fly shit, hip-hop, and just doing me. But I can only do so much of that…before I flip.

&& honestly I think that’s what I’m doing. I want to feel “Fancy” for a change; get dressed up, go out, get everything done…feel like the young lady I am. Why don’t I feel like that now? But…oh well, hopefully my situation lifts when I get to where I need to be. Soon.

We’ll see.


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